(The only reason the title is so damn long is so that I can meet the word count. Fuck off.)
(Introduction) Ah, what would one do without the illustrious month that is October? The time where groupies flock to Fright Fest, alcoholics pretend to adore Oktoberfest beers, and midterms eat up the collegiate soul, October comes in clutch when it comes to rejuvenation of the body, both physically and spiritually. I mean, where the fuck would we be without the uplifting themes this top-tier stretch of weeks has to offer? Without the Libra-Scorpio season, a fall from grace, into the eventual depression that builds up from a long year of intermittent bullshit, will certainly occur. This can be prevented by a willful participation in horror movies, nihilistic liver endangerment, and boo-loving shenanigans, to name a few. October is meant to make everything better, and if you’re not having a good time, hit me up. I got you. Also, for clarification purposes, no one cares about September. That month is, as we say, not invited to the party.
(Main Idea #1) To understand, and therefore appreciate the significance of this period, the pillars that comprise it need to be explored. One of these pillars, is, you guessed it: horror movies. This genre of film is one that has precipitated more teenage pregnancies than the 2010s. However, as many unwanted children as it has spawned, the spooks are a legitimate route to a happier life, especially when in conjunction with the appropriate time of year. Halloween is the pay-per-view event of the season, and there’s nothing that gets you tuned up for this more properly than constant dismemberment, creature features, and psychological trauma in the form of The Shining. Fear doesn’t have to be the only sensation that overcomes, as some of these films are so laughably bad in their attempts to be scary, you can’t help but giggle at the fortunate demise of terribly written characters. Watching oldies like Friday the 13th and Hellraiser can invoke nostalgia, and you usually get to see some excellent titties in these films (for you horny bastards out there). For the emotional masochist, flicks like The Exorcist and Insidious should do the trick. And for the casual pussycat that scares easy, Scary Movie will more than suffice. Regardless, The adrenaline that stems from such twisted viewing is a high you should pursue, as it’s actually good for you, and the following excerpt corroborates that:
That adrenaline dump represents another way that horror movies are good for your health. Depressed people go through extreme decreases in their adrenaline levels. The adrenaline jumps achieved when they watch a horror can lift the depression and fill them with euphoria. Anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness are firmly pushed back to make room for the feel-good hormones and empathetic excitement caused by the actions on-screen. (Starr)
As a species, we are attracted to the gruesome, and there’s something about watching people get subjugated to wicked violence that gives us stomach butterflies. And if you’re one of those that claim to not have morbid curiosity, just think about the last time that you saw a car accident on the highway. Did you slow down to see if you can spot a body? Yeah, I thought so.
(Main Idea #2) Before I go in depth on this one, I just want to state the obvious first: alcohol is relatively bad for you. However, as the saying goes:
I ain’t here for a long time
I’m here for a good time (Strait)
…That doesn’t sound right. I think I may have the wrong song. This phrase has been around for awhile, and I was made to believe George Strait came up with it, seeing that he’s old as fuck. Hold up:
We’re here for a good time
Not a long time (Trooper)
That’s more like it. And before you wonder: no, I don’t know who the fuck Trooper is. Anyways, the enjoyment of life can come with an excessive bingeing of liquor, and October is the month to do it. For those that say they want to take care of their bodies, and avoid alcohol altogether, I say to you: the longterm effects of global warming will probably diminish our population by the millions real soon, so fucking treat yourself before the eventual apocalypse! Your local bars are probably offering insane Happy Hour deals, so that evening drinking is more accessible than ever. No one likes a poser, though, so don’t even think about ordering a Guinness, and then vehemently state it’s your favorite, because we all know it’s not. Football (the American kind) is in full swing as well, and tailgates are commonplace, so day drinking is also more accessible than ever. Make sure you bundle up, though, as the chilly October afternoons can eventually break even the most resilient of men (and women, for you feminists). Late night degeneracy is, of course, always going to be intact, and this festive time will only add fuel to the fire. Regardless, it gives you yet another reason to spend time with your loved ones. If you view this as a pregame to the mostly-positive holiday season of December, then you’ll get your worth out of it. Sometimes, you might just go on a week-long bender involving hardcore drugs, on top of reaching out to the toxic cunts in your past, but that comes with the territory. Compromise is essential for longterm happiness, so if you end up blowing through an 8ball at Barcode while hitting up that fine Colombian girl from English class that already curved you, so be it. It’s all about having fun with it.
(Main Idea #3) For those that choose to inhibit their party animal, there’s still a plethora of excitement to be had. Relationships begin to sprout as soon as the slutty summer comes to a screeching halt. All those Tiki Mondays down the shore don’t compare to the thoroughly intimate times spent with a significant other in the fall. Much is to be done with this, and the euphoria you experience by enjoying spontaneous dates with baby girl (or baby boy, for you feminists) makes it all worth it. Visits to the corn mazes and pumpkin patches in rural counties with a +1 is sweeter than pie, with excessive Instagram flexing usually coming up to show the world how much fun you’re having with your lover. Strolls through the beautiful parks within your vicinity with boo thang makes for an interesting adventure, with locations such as the Highline and Branch Brook Park seeing a mass influx of ecstatic couples during October. Dressing up in synonymous Halloween costumes also gives way to a grand time. Just imagine all the Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace couples you’ll be seeing this Halloweekend, or the more traditional costumes that involve the Power Rangers, M&M’s, and foods that have sexual undertones. Maybe you want to 1up the excitement, and do shit like have sexual intercourse in discreetly public settings, or play 666 music on Clinton Road, but whatever happens, the joy that comes from it all will rest fondly in your heart. And even though you’ll probably fall out of the honeymoon phase with your s/o, even though you don’t want it to, the memories will remain. Hopeless romantics will never cease to exist, but neither will the happy times.
(Conclusion) In motherfucking conclusion, don’t let the shittiness of the earlier months of the year keep you down for long, as autumn cheer is bound to save you from the clutches of melancholy. There’s no way to get into the spirit than to do the aforementioned, and depression can slap it until February, at least. Go out and live your best fucking life, and don’t you dare hold back. Watch that
comedy scary movie, take those shots of Jameson, and grip that lover’s ass while boo loving at the haunted house. Ruthlessness is underrated, and being agile with it can make for special moments that have a lasting impact. Time is not on your side, but everything else is. You will praise the day you decided to grip the reins of destiny, and conceive your own happiness.
- Man, Homeless. “This Guy Just Said Some Weird Shit To Me.” , 29 Oct. 2017, Newark, Penn Station.
- Starr, Evelynn. “Reasons Why Horror Movies Are Good for Your Health.” Vocal, https://vocal.media/horror/reasons-why-horror-movies-are-good-for-your-health.
- Strait, George, singer. Here For A Good Time. 6 Sept. 2011, Texas, All My Exes.
- Trooper, singer. We’re Here For A Good Time (Not A Long Time). 1977. IDK Where. This song isn’t so bad, if we’re being honest. Here’s a YouTube link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gCjJC_INNE
- Works Cited in undergraduate college is pointless to me (elsewhere, you’d probably get sued or something). I mean, do you really think professors click on every link, on every essay, for every class they teach? Let’s say an essay requires at least 3 sources (that’s being generous; they usually require an absurd amount, like 6), and they have to be scholarly. Cool, we’ll use Google Scholar, but you don’t really have to, and I’ll tell you why: On average, classes that require essays usually have about 25 students. Let’s say a professor has 4 different groups of students where he teaches 25 students (100 students overall). So you’re telling me that this fucker sifts through 300 sources, on top of reading the actual essay? And he has to verify all 300 sources to be of a scholarly medium? Not to mention the miscellaneous machinations of a professor’s life that can interfere with the process, such as dealing with bratty pupils during office hours, likely marriage problems, and traffic? Yeah, I call bullshit. I get why it’s done, but it’s like, really bro? Or sis, for you feminists.